Happy…. don’t wait until your 65… blah, blah, blah… you know- I know this… don’t listen to daddy or jenny or Andrew. I don’t listen to them… because they don’t talk to me… they don’t tell me there problems. I am just indecisive and I have always been like that.

When I live in Kingston and I did things that made me happy… I fix my ear because I wanted too and I have done everything because I wanted too… give me some vacation time and maybe I would travel some where.

i thought doing those painting classes are a good idea… but I don’t want to go to a spa or do things. I don’t want to do things by myself. I think doing classes like dad said is a good idea. I do have money but I spend too much of it.

Now here is the big question what would make me happy?

Ok! So….. i have moved into a new place which i like. The people are nice and I get to hang out with people my own age group which is cool.

i am going slightly crazy at work and I do not like what I do… which makes me feel blah and negative and then when I try to do  a good job it does not work.  I feel like a failure and I am feeling much better since I talk to my brother.

My office mate is annoying the crap out of me… putting pressure on me…. plus i am having trouble focusing my mind keeps day dreaming which then i tell myself to FOCUS… but more I tell myself to focus more pressure I put on myself which more I day dream. I think I am day dreaming only because I am bored… and who would not be bored doing the same thing over and over again. I like it at first but now i want something different.

When I was little I wanted to be BIG and FAMOUS and people wish they were friends with me and the people who were mean to regret it and realize they shouldn’t but I feel like I am failure those people are better then me. What they use to say about me when I was little is true. I thought Sarnia would be  a fresh start and I do not think that anymore.

Most of the time I just want to go home…. then I think well do I really want to go to Almonte…. do I really want to work at a grocery store and deal with that embaressing thing again. That was worse and I am better here. But I have no one and I always feel sad and lonely. At, least I was happy a bit with daddy maybe not a first but I grew accustom to our life in Almonte. I never handle change well… never … Elizabeth and Mom always said I was horrible with Change and I am . 

So I do not know when the last time I wrote or if it show up sometimes it does not.

Here is what is going on with me….

1. My job.... I love it but I hate it especially when I have 3,200 things to get before the deadline which is next friday. :( If people just did their job right then I would not have to be doing this job and I could be doing the thing in my field I want to do. You like need two people to do this job. I guess I can impress my bosses and be a show off. However, I already did that when I started and my office mate warn me not to do that since then they will expect it. But I did and wore myself out and now they expect it. :(

2. Ever since I was little I wanted to have my own fashion company or fashion line. I was looking up distance education courses online for Fashion and there is nothing. I was to take it first but my parents did not think it was practical and they were paying for the education.

I can sew... but not that good and I had a nice sewing machine but my mom said I broke it when i was little but never let me get rid of it. My dad said it was fixable but we did not know how to fix it. So, i decided to give it away to charity maybe the next person who owns it can fixed it. But if i really want to be in fashion I need to learn how to make clothes. Do you know at Ryerson University they offer fashion sketching I and II - how hard is it that you need fashion sketching? I  have had been drawing designs for clothes since I can remember you do not need to spend money on that.

I want my own fashion line... or company.... but i will have to figure it out.

3. Family sucks.... really ... my brother... i do not know but I cannot even talk to him right now. My grandmother is having a birthday party or something this saturday and I cannot for 2 reason one my brother will be there and no i have to work for 4 hours on saturday.

My dad thinks my brother is jealous of my sister and mine success... my question is what success?

I have a job which I like (sometimes love) and I make good money... but no friends here since I just move here and I rather do something less boring (mindless) but it is a good job.

My sister well she might have a job that paid ALOT and but the hours are awful (14 hours days) and she misses holiday and family get together due to work.

My brother has a job he loves - makes good money, friends and decent hours. Plus a girlfriend... I wish I had a boyfriend. 

Plus I have stop having those weird dreams about Joe Jonas which I thought was totally weird since I have never listen to any of there music. Plus I do not like them…. none of them are cute plus too young for me. However, when I live with my aunt and her 10 year old daughter and I had to watch what the kid wanted … I did see an episode of that Disney TV show JONAS  - which is stupid… since they portray (sp?) Kevin Jonas like a complete moronic idiot. Which I have seen them on Talk shows before and he is not that. If they think by making Kevin Jonas stupid that would make the show funny… hell no not even my 10 year old cousin thought it was good. It is like this article I read in the newspaper before I moved to aunts about the Disney JONAS show in which the Jonas brothers said they the idea of having a tv show so they can make up silly songs like pizza and math which I think is stupid. I will admit I had one of their songs stuck in my head since it was on a commercial but in the past I’ve had a Hillary Duff song stuck in my mind and recently I had a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head for the same reason: a tv commercial.

Ok…. that is enough of my rant/ramble about the Jonas brothers… now I am having dreams about one of the guys off Gossip girls which they are cute.

My last thing on this little rant of mine ok… maybe my second last thing now that a new idea just popped in my head.

No one in my family thinks I can do anything yeah I had a over 80% average in high school and yeah I was in a tough – mind blowing stressful programs which I got all A’s. But they all think I cannot do university or mount to anything and that is another reason I want my own fashion company to prove that I can mount to something greater then anyone could imagine. Also, I like to design stuff…. it makes me so happy. :) The problem is to get it started and I want it as big as Gucci or Chanel maybe not that big… but I want sometime to walk down the red carpet in Hollywood and tell people it is my design, my dress.

Ok…. well I have decided not to mention the thing that popped in my head when I was writing previously. I am sorry for anyone who reads this if it is not grammatically correct or there is type o’s. Bye!!! :)

Well, I  am not in my small town anymore now I am not in a town but not big enough to be consider a city. What is in between a town and a city? That is my question. So I got a job as well – I was so confident when I started kicking butts and doing well but i am doubting myself almost all the time and I am on probation (I do not think I spell that right, whatever… no one going to read this anyhow). I know i am not making mistakes since i double check everything but what is really annoying is that you double check stuff and then there are still mistakes. The lady who I share an office with is annoying… sweet but annoying. I have a blast headaches and a bad cold which seems like it will not go away and I cannot stand that. Really… cold…. you hate me that much. I am making myself sound like an idiot – I do not want to be social with these people. I just to go to work and do a good job and enjoy it and not want to stay and hide in my bed. Everything is good but I am really insecure probably since I have no one to talk to here and I do not want to worry anyone.

My sayings…

No point to stress out since it will not do anything about it and it will make you sick or give you a headache.

Don’t be excited, Don’t be nervous be Zen

Do not worry since it will not help anything.

Do your best that all that matters

Just Focus on your own work and do not worry about anyone else

I am afraid I am not giving a good impression and I am annoying people and they seems to be all happy when I got and I do not want them to regret hiring. I love being out my small town and I love not working at that stupid grocery store but has VERY nice people. I like being on my own but it is tough – I am 23 years old and my dad always paid for everything now I am on my own and no friends and it is scary. I am not doing a good job at being independent if all I want to do is hide.

I keep thinking about what his name and I do know why really when I was in my small town I understood why and that was because we both grew up in the town and i might possibility see him. Which I did not but i saw someone else… who I rather not see but that is a different subject. So I do not why i am thinking of him now really it is been 3 or 4 years and yes I had a HUGE crush on him and stupid amber going on my Facebook and sending him that message and where he deleted me from his friend list and who blames him with that message that she sent to him. But the thing is my sister is coming back to Canada next  Monday and I am so happy. But when I think of her – my mind goes to Toronto and that goes to him. Which is ridiculous ! I feel pathetic.

How I want a boyfriend so much but I am not going to act desperate and i do not want trash but I do not need one. Since I have no one to talk to and at work on Breaks I have had verbal diarrhoea in the sense I cannot stop talking I am going to use this as my outlet until now.

In addition, I keep having these weird dreams where I am marrying Joe Jonas which is totally weird I will admit that he is cute but not as good looking or handsome as Chace Crawford or Robert Patthinson. I would rather marry them then Joe Jonas. Stupid dreams…….